Cruel Mommy,Trucks, and Smart Status Updates

Smart Facebook Status Updates:

1. Only a fool trips on what’s behind him.
2. Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
3. *cares more about TV show characters and their problems than my own*
4. If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
5. Me: Mom I need money
6. Mom: What? Did you spend those two dollars I gave you in 2003 already?
7. ok
8. Today I’m wearing a nice dark shade of exhaustion under my eyes.
9. Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor’s coupons?
10. My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
11. I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
12. Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
13. My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
14. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
15. It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
16. We’re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings.
17. A lot of you lose your shit and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
18. Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
19. Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
20. Getting my kids to school on time is like organizing a moon landing with tiny, grumpy astronauts.
21. I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says “don’t be an asshole”
22. Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?